A Trigger

So in a bid to try and feel normal I’ve signed up to attend Antenatal Classes again.  The idea being that once my baby is born it will be nice to be part of a group of mothers who are parenting newborn babies at the same time as me.  

It feels a bit strange going to these classes again as feel like we are cheating.  We know all the answers to the questions, we’ve already been through full term pregnancy, labour and birth.  To be amongst a room of first time mothers who think they know all the answers is strange when we actually do. 

I have told the lady taking the classes of our situation but haven’t told the other parents-to-be.  We’ve only been to one class and missed the second one.  I don’t know if it is fair to tell the other parents and present them with my burden before their births.  However I sense most will be how I was with my pregnancy with Amelia and mentally think to themselves "that won't happen to me".  It will definitely be something I tell them should we get to proceed to a normal coffee group post delivery of my boy, but should I tell them now if it comes up in conversation at the classes?

Any how, this original post started out about “a trigger”.  In the first antenatal class we watched the video of a water birth.  I watched the video without flinching, yip, labour and birth, been there done that.  And then the trigger.  The baby came out alive and crying and was handed to the mum.  Queue me leaving the room in a rush to get to the bathroom to have a wee cry.  Damn, I just didn’t even think how I would handle that.  I managed to compose myself to rejoin the class but I left Jared in the room fretting how he would diplomatically get out of the room if I wasn't able to come back in!

That really did heighten for me how much I really can’t wait for the moment I will be handed my crying, breathing baby and can’t even imagine how AMAZING that will be. 

The inevitable question

I now look undeniably pregnant, not like I’ve just eaten a few too many cakes and pies!  And with this un-deniability comes the inevitable question “Is this your first?”. 

I work in a large office so there are many people I don’t know and who either never knew I was pregnant, or had seen me pregnant and don’t know what happened.   This week at work I had three days back to back where I had to answer this question or something similar.

Day 1 – the lady in kitchen. 

“When are you due?”, “November”, “What date?”, “The end” (I don’t tell people due dates because find it very irrelevant especially when an induction will be done early!) “Do you want a boy or a girl?” “We are having a boy this time” “Is this your first?” “No, it’s my second.” “So you have a little girl at home?” “No, she passed away.” “oh” and then she quickly scuttled off, obviously feeling awkward and not knowing what to say.

Day 2 – the marketing manager from a sister company who I’d played netball with a handful of times before I got pregnant with Amelia. 

“So when are you due?” “November” “You recently had a baby …” (obvious confusion in her question, did you have a baby, are you still pregnant…), “Ah, she was stillborn” – I see the telling scarlet colour creep in around her face.  I notice I feel warmer in the face too! 

Day 3 – someone I don’t think I’ve ever seen or noticed in the office before but now work with in my new job. 

“So how far along are you?” “6 months” (as soon as the conversation turns to pregnancy, about 3 other ladies stopped and joined in) “You were pregnant before, that’s quite close together.” “Ah, yes, my daughter passed away." and then I add to diffuse the awkwardness "So this is our new little hope.” I give them a smile then potter on my way.

I’ve been struck by how uncomfortable people clearly are when I mention what has happened. This has led me to the question – do I deny her to make it easier for others?

I am conflicted.  I don’t want to make people feel badly but I don’t want to deny my daughter her existence.  I am happy to talk about what happened.  I have come to terms with this and no matter if I do or don’t talk about it will continue to feel her absence in my life.  I also feel to some degree stillbirth is not talked about, people don’t realise that it happens as frequently as it does (1 in 120/130 in NZ), more common than SUDI.

So due to these reasons, I will continue to make people feel awkward.  This is something that happened, it is a fact.  Unfortunately life isn’t all peaches and cream so I will continue to share my daughter’s existence with the world.