The inevitable question

I now look undeniably pregnant, not like I’ve just eaten a few too many cakes and pies!  And with this un-deniability comes the inevitable question “Is this your first?”. 

I work in a large office so there are many people I don’t know and who either never knew I was pregnant, or had seen me pregnant and don’t know what happened.   This week at work I had three days back to back where I had to answer this question or something similar.

Day 1 – the lady in kitchen. 

“When are you due?”, “November”, “What date?”, “The end” (I don’t tell people due dates because find it very irrelevant especially when an induction will be done early!) “Do you want a boy or a girl?” “We are having a boy this time” “Is this your first?” “No, it’s my second.” “So you have a little girl at home?” “No, she passed away.” “oh” and then she quickly scuttled off, obviously feeling awkward and not knowing what to say.

Day 2 – the marketing manager from a sister company who I’d played netball with a handful of times before I got pregnant with Amelia. 

“So when are you due?” “November” “You recently had a baby …” (obvious confusion in her question, did you have a baby, are you still pregnant…), “Ah, she was stillborn” – I see the telling scarlet colour creep in around her face.  I notice I feel warmer in the face too! 

Day 3 – someone I don’t think I’ve ever seen or noticed in the office before but now work with in my new job. 

“So how far along are you?” “6 months” (as soon as the conversation turns to pregnancy, about 3 other ladies stopped and joined in) “You were pregnant before, that’s quite close together.” “Ah, yes, my daughter passed away." and then I add to diffuse the awkwardness "So this is our new little hope.” I give them a smile then potter on my way.

I’ve been struck by how uncomfortable people clearly are when I mention what has happened. This has led me to the question – do I deny her to make it easier for others?

I am conflicted.  I don’t want to make people feel badly but I don’t want to deny my daughter her existence.  I am happy to talk about what happened.  I have come to terms with this and no matter if I do or don’t talk about it will continue to feel her absence in my life.  I also feel to some degree stillbirth is not talked about, people don’t realise that it happens as frequently as it does (1 in 120/130 in NZ), more common than SUDI.

So due to these reasons, I will continue to make people feel awkward.  This is something that happened, it is a fact.  Unfortunately life isn’t all peaches and cream so I will continue to share my daughter’s existence with the world.

The Working Week

I’ve been absent from blogging for awhile.  I’ve been busy getting back into the swing of things with work. 

I started back 4 weeks ago and I’ve been getting use to early mornings and long days again.

Being back at work has been an interesting, but good step in my journey.  I was initially very anxious to go back but being on the other side of 4 weeks, I feel good about this step.

The first two weeks really were a mind trip.  It felt so normal to be back and then I’d get caught up by something someone said about their 5 month old grandson that was born weeks before Amelia or see a pregnant person wondering around.  I got very annoyed in those first few weeks because no one would talk to me about my daughter and what happened and ignore the fact I was pregnant the last time they saw me and that I HAVE given birth to a baby.

The last two week, as people get more comfortable with me being around, people have started asking, talking, chatting about my daughter.  I prefer this – it is so much better than the silence.  I like to say her name and acknowledge that she was born.  I think people can see that I don’t cry and break down when I talk about her so they are more able to talk with me.  And then people open up – my mothers first son was stillborn, my niece was stillborn…  how is this common thing so taboo to talk about!

The hardest thing about being at work is breaking the news over and over again.  I work in a large company.  Many people knew I was pregnant but don’t know what happened.  So many questions come “how old is your baby now?”, “Who is looking after your baby while your at work?”.  The same heartbreaking answer is then delivered by me, making these sweet people feel awkward and sad – my daughter died.  I find this hard and it makes me shaky.

Being at work makes it easy to forget what my life has become and what I don’t have.  It really feels so normal and there are moments when I feel like the old me.  I thought that wouldn’t happen.  So being at work is good, the 8 hours I am there is like a play – I get to pretend that I am a normal, integrated member of society. 

It’s just when the play ends and I remember and yip, it still really sucks.