I am struggling with my own inadequacies today. I feel that I say things that are just
odd to the outside world. I say
things out loud that sound peculiar to people that don’t know I have lost a
baby. And maybe sound pathetic and
pity seeking to those who do.
At the moment I want to hide away from these new
mothers. I want to bury my
awkwardness and big mouth when I say things in these social gatherings that
don’t make sense or sound too blunt when you don’t add “because my first baby
died” to the end of the sentence.
I forget that this new realm of parents I meet do not
know my past. How is the fact I
have lost a baby not plain and simple for everyone to see? It beats out of my chest, it is sitting
on my shoulder, it is on the tip of my tongue. But it is not.
They don’t know, I am by all perceptions a new mum with her first
baby.
If I have the opportunity and it comes up in a
relevant way I do not hesitate to mention her. But of course it doesn’t and its not really something people
like talking about. Finding my new
normal recently posted on the When to drop the dead baby bomb and I commented that I was hoping to mention her sooner to new
acquaintances. Hmph, easier said
than done. This whole “breaking
the silence on stillbirth” is such a burden because people don’t want to know
the “one” who it happened to. They
don’t want to talk about it. They want to avoid, avoid, avoid this awkward
topic.
I know I put myself in these situations on a daily
basis to help me feel more normal, but if anything it just makes me feel more
abnormal… oh, what is normal, I certainly don’t feel it today!
I have no idea what normal is. If you ever figure it out please let me know.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself credit for getting out there and trying! I have just avoided new moms who don't know about Bear (okay, I've avoided most people). Soon, when my husband returns to work, I will have to venture out more with Bode. While I love sharing Bear, I am not looking forward to looking normal and feeling/sounding so abnormal.
ReplyDeleteYou're not "normal" either, but I understand. I'm not normal. Two years down and normal is just a memory of my former life.
ReplyDeletePeople really don't want to know the people who had THAT happen to them. I totally understand. I never thought I'd be THAT person either and here we all are.
Proud of you for pushing yourself back into life and existing among THE OTHERS. That's sort of how I see them.
Being a parent to a dead child - whether you are a parent to a live child or not - marks one's life forever. I am not normal. At all. Every perception is completely altered because I have a child who is dead.
ReplyDeleteMy great grandmother lost three children to diptheria - a childhood disease that is now eradicated because of immunization. But in the world of our great grandparents, it was normal to have a child who died from any number of causes. But now, it's not normal, and I feel so deeply that the losing Nathaniel impacted my experience of being human. And thank god, it's no longer normal to have a child who dies. But shit, now we have to live in a world of human experience that is so. . .isolating.
You're not alone. I'm so sorry that you know this loss, too.
I hear you Di. My rainbow baby is now 2-months old and I've just started venturing out with her. Soon we will likely be involved in play groups, story time etc. and then I will really have to face these awkward situations. I would prefer to hole up and avoid it all. But that isn't an option.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are my normal.