How quickly a year disappears. One year, gone, just like that. One year living without my
daughter. One year of her never
being far from my mind. One year
of a life forever changed.
We went away for the weekend, I didn’t want to sit
around home so we caught a ferry to beautiful Waiheke Island off the coast of
our home city Auckland, New Zealand.
We spent four days keeping busy but every time I stopped I remembered. The days of this last week have marked
too many milestones.
I miss her.
I want her. I wish that
things were different.
I worry that I have become a mother consumed by the
death of her daughter and that this has defined who I am because she is
constantly there, on the edge of my thoughts, in my periphery, always. This new pregnancy I always compare to
my first and she is part of my discussions, my life. But this is being a mother, right? If she were alive it would be no different. She would be there, in my
conversations, in my thoughts, in my life.
Tears have been shed, more leading up to today than
there have been today. It does
seem the anticipation is greater than the day itself.
The thing I struggle with the most is this forever
hurting. This always missing. This constant of never having her.
The hope of having her brother only 6-8 weeks away
(hopefully) helps, but I wish she were here giggling and smooshing cake into
her face.
My Amelia, I miss you always!! xxx mum.
