I need to learn not to be nosey, not to care, not to
facebook stalk. As soon as I find
out someone is pregnant I limit their updates to my facebook feed, close them
down and pretend like it isn’t happening.
Once they have their babies and it is so in my face, I do the same!
However I can’t help but taunt myself, every so often
I go and look at their profiles and see their growing bellies and posts filled
with optimism, I see their posts raving that “life couldn’t be better right
now” after the arrival of their new baby, photos of the intimate moments of
getting to know their babies. And
I get f*cked off that its not me, that I don’t have a sweet 8 month old baby
brightening my home.
Instead I am designing a baby book filled with photos
of my beautiful daughter who was born dead. Whose memories I scrape together to fill 30 pages, no
more. A book I will never show
anyone because who would want to look at that many photos of a baby who is
lifeless. She is beautiful to me
but due to the time between her dying and being born she had deteriorated and
had bruising etc and those ever telling crimson lips.
I know the simple solution to avoid this frustration
is to not look, to stay away from facebook, but I also get the guilt that I’m
not being a good friend because I’m not interested. And… I do know they are entitled to their happiness, damn I
would have been if it had all worked out for me! Instead I sit on this side, angry, frustrated, annoyed at
their bliss and ignorance to my pain.
