I’m not normal

I am struggling with my own inadequacies today.  I feel that I say things that are just odd to the outside world.  I say things out loud that sound peculiar to people that don’t know I have lost a baby.  And maybe sound pathetic and pity seeking to those who do.

At the moment I want to hide away from these new mothers.  I want to bury my awkwardness and big mouth when I say things in these social gatherings that don’t make sense or sound too blunt when you don’t add “because my first baby died” to the end of the sentence.

I forget that this new realm of parents I meet do not know my past.  How is the fact I have lost a baby not plain and simple for everyone to see?  It beats out of my chest, it is sitting on my shoulder, it is on the tip of my tongue.  But it is not.  They don’t know, I am by all perceptions a new mum with her first baby. 

If I have the opportunity and it comes up in a relevant way I do not hesitate to mention her.  But of course it doesn’t and its not really something people like talking about.  Finding my new normal recently posted on the When to drop the dead baby bomb and I commented that I was hoping to mention her sooner to new acquaintances.  Hmph, easier said than done.  This whole “breaking the silence on stillbirth” is such a burden because people don’t want to know the “one” who it happened to.  They don’t want to talk about it. They want to avoid, avoid, avoid this awkward topic.

I know I put myself in these situations on a daily basis to help me feel more normal, but if anything it just makes me feel more abnormal… oh, what is normal, I certainly don’t feel it today!

The highs and lows

I have drafted so many blog entries in my head, some highs and some lows, but haven’t had the chance to get them out.  So this blog is a bit of an overall update.

Oliver is now 12 weeks old.  He’s a great little guy and is doing all the right things, putting on good weight, reaching cute little milestones and generally being the sunshine of my life. 

The first few weeks were a big learning curve about how I wanted to approach this parenting thing.  I really hadn’t thought too much about the actually getting a baby in my arms bit and had just been focusing on getting through the pregnancy.  And then he was in my arms and I had to consider what to do with this little bundle of life. Everyone seemed to tell you a different approach as to how it should all go down but in the end we figured out our own way and it works great for us both.

Being Ollie’s mum is just the best.  Not having experienced all this before is just the worst.  I have been loving and enjoying so many beautiful moments with Ollie and as I sit there gazing at his face and so happy, I find myself so sad that I didn’t get this with my daughter.  I miss her most in the moments of happiness.

Christmas sprung up on me after giving birth to Ollie and it didn’t hit me how sad I was that I didn’t have a 15 month kid pottering around until quite close to the day.   I am trying to move away from the “I should have a 15 month old here today” statement at Christmas time or any other time.  She will always be remembered on Christmas day, but as she was, my first baby who will never grow up.  I want to try to be in the current moment and to allow new happiness with Oliver (I have a feeling that this is easier said that done however).

I find the turn of the year much harder than Christmas day.  New Year’s eve I was completely fine until the countdown and as the clock ticked over into 2013 I felt so sad… another year further away from her.  Another year further into missing her and dealing with societies expectation to be ‘over it’.

I still think of her every day, EVERY day. Oliver has been a little band aid to my broken heart.  He holds it together, but unfortunately even he can’t heal the scars that have been etched into it.