I am struggling with my own inadequacies today. I feel that I say things that are just
odd to the outside world. I say
things out loud that sound peculiar to people that don’t know I have lost a
baby. And maybe sound pathetic and
pity seeking to those who do.
At the moment I want to hide away from these new
mothers. I want to bury my
awkwardness and big mouth when I say things in these social gatherings that
don’t make sense or sound too blunt when you don’t add “because my first baby
died” to the end of the sentence.
I forget that this new realm of parents I meet do not
know my past. How is the fact I
have lost a baby not plain and simple for everyone to see? It beats out of my chest, it is sitting
on my shoulder, it is on the tip of my tongue. But it is not.
They don’t know, I am by all perceptions a new mum with her first
baby.
If I have the opportunity and it comes up in a
relevant way I do not hesitate to mention her. But of course it doesn’t and its not really something people
like talking about. Finding my new
normal recently posted on the When to drop the dead baby bomb and I commented that I was hoping to mention her sooner to new
acquaintances. Hmph, easier said
than done. This whole “breaking
the silence on stillbirth” is such a burden because people don’t want to know
the “one” who it happened to. They
don’t want to talk about it. They want to avoid, avoid, avoid this awkward
topic.
I know I put myself in these situations on a daily
basis to help me feel more normal, but if anything it just makes me feel more
abnormal… oh, what is normal, I certainly don’t feel it today!
