I need to learn not to be nosey, not to care, not to
facebook stalk. As soon as I find
out someone is pregnant I limit their updates to my facebook feed, close them
down and pretend like it isn’t happening.
Once they have their babies and it is so in my face, I do the same!
However I can’t help but taunt myself, every so often
I go and look at their profiles and see their growing bellies and posts filled
with optimism, I see their posts raving that “life couldn’t be better right
now” after the arrival of their new baby, photos of the intimate moments of
getting to know their babies. And
I get f*cked off that its not me, that I don’t have a sweet 8 month old baby
brightening my home.
Instead I am designing a baby book filled with photos
of my beautiful daughter who was born dead. Whose memories I scrape together to fill 30 pages, no
more. A book I will never show
anyone because who would want to look at that many photos of a baby who is
lifeless. She is beautiful to me
but due to the time between her dying and being born she had deteriorated and
had bruising etc and those ever telling crimson lips.
I know the simple solution to avoid this frustration
is to not look, to stay away from facebook, but I also get the guilt that I’m
not being a good friend because I’m not interested. And… I do know they are entitled to their happiness, damn I
would have been if it had all worked out for me! Instead I sit on this side, angry, frustrated, annoyed at
their bliss and ignorance to my pain.
I know the feeling and I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.
ReplyDeleteYup, I do the same thing. I avoid facebook and then log on only to look at a few people that I know isn't going to make me happy. I don't really have guilt about not being interested in other people's babies. It feels weird to be so indifferent towards them (even my new nieces), but not guilty, it is just where I am right now and where I desperately wish I was.
ReplyDeleteI do this too. It's like a movie where I cover my eyes and know I don't want to watch but still peek through my fingers a little bit anyway...and then regret it.
ReplyDeleteYep, we're all alike. It's sort of like looking into what our lives should've/could've been like.
ReplyDeleteI gave up facebook but I'll admit if my husband leaves his open, I sometimes look and see what people are status updating about. Then once my heart gets trampled on, I close it and sulk.
I totally could never be the person to post such nonsense like, "Life has never been better!" or whatever.
You also have to remember (as I remind myself when this kind of suckage occurs) that people are often posting only the happy, shiny parts of their lives and they aren't entirely honest about the crappy parts. It's like beefing up a resume you know isn't QUITE right. It's not all peaches for those people either-- though it may seem so.
Yes, I totally understand. I've blocked many of my friends from my feed, and I suspect that several of my friends have done the same with me so they can post freely without feeling bad or guilty, or worse, worry that I'm going to go crazy and come and snatch their baby. I want to post on fb, "I don't want your baby. I just want mine back." How would that be for a downer status?
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally get the desire to look and be involved with other peoples' lives. I have a lot of pain around the fact that this loss is so isolating. I can't be around my family - they seriously can't handle watching my pain - that belongs in someone else's life, but not theirs. I miss my friends. I miss wanting to talk with my friends. I have one bl friend who is like, oh yeah, that comes back! But it took her more than a year, and I get lonely *now*.
All of this is such a shit situation. I'm so sorry.
xoxoxoxo
Di,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say, yes, I understand. I have blocked so many people that my newsfeed is boring. I totally get it. Hugs.
Em
Ha- I'm with Brandi. I stopped using FB... It was Sooo painful, but my husband is friends with people through my account he dies not have his own. So he will say "did you see..., or check out the picture so and so posted." once I'm on I'll scroll through. I'm also friends w other BLM on FB but I dont post or go in that often. Watching other people live out their extraordinary lives that don't involve tragedy, at least in public view is a total slap in the face people. I wonder if people hope their lives are as fabulous as they make them out to be. Your not alone, peering bleary-eyed at a world that is intangible to us.
ReplyDelete