How quickly a year disappears. One year, gone, just like that. One year living without my
daughter. One year of her never
being far from my mind. One year
of a life forever changed.
We went away for the weekend, I didn’t want to sit
around home so we caught a ferry to beautiful Waiheke Island off the coast of
our home city Auckland, New Zealand.
We spent four days keeping busy but every time I stopped I remembered. The days of this last week have marked
too many milestones.
I miss her.
I want her. I wish that
things were different.
I worry that I have become a mother consumed by the
death of her daughter and that this has defined who I am because she is
constantly there, on the edge of my thoughts, in my periphery, always. This new pregnancy I always compare to
my first and she is part of my discussions, my life. But this is being a mother, right? If she were alive it would be no different. She would be there, in my
conversations, in my thoughts, in my life.
Tears have been shed, more leading up to today than
there have been today. It does
seem the anticipation is greater than the day itself.
The thing I struggle with the most is this forever
hurting. This always missing. This constant of never having her.
The hope of having her brother only 6-8 weeks away
(hopefully) helps, but I wish she were here giggling and smooshing cake into
her face.
My Amelia, I miss you always!! xxx mum.
Happy first birthday to your sweet Amelia. For us the anticipation was harder than the day too. Having that first year behind me really felt like...I can't find the words, but just knowing there were no more "first" holidays to experience made me feel slightly lighter, but then it still doesn't make things suck any less that she is still not here, for us for them and for their little brothers. Sending love your way. Xxxooo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. I am approaching the 1 year mark as well in a few days. Sending hugs xoxo
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Amelia and lots of love to your whole family.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to your dear daughter, Amelia. I am so sorry that she is not here with you, giggling and smooshing cake.
ReplyDeleteI often worry the same thing, that I have been consumed. But you're right, my other children are always there, even when I am not physically with them. So it isn't really that surprising that she is there too. Always.
Sending love to you as you remember your Amelia and await the arrival of her little brother xo
Happy Birthday sweet little Amelia. And I was so comforted to read that you perceive that had she survived, she would consume your thoughts and your conversations, just as she consumes your thoughts and conversations now. I feel the same way. Had Nathaniel lived, my eyes would always be on him, watching him grow and change, watching him develop into a little boy taking his first steps. I wish that things were so different. I wish that we could have met writing about our living babies.
ReplyDeleteGood luck as you get close to the birth of your new little one <3
I'm late here. I'm sorry and wishing you peace... Happy birthday to your sweet girl I wish you could shower with gifts and love.
ReplyDeleteOne full year - it's strange isn't it. I always thought it felt like just a moment ago. Lovely Amelia - I wish it had been different.
ReplyDelete