So much has happened in the last month, but the
biggest thing is that I am one month closer to having my baby boy.
How surreal that feels. I look back on this pregnancy and while it feels like it has
taken forever, it also feels like it has disappeared so quickly too! It is technically 5 weeks till our due
date, but hopefully less till we meet our baby. And now they are dragging!
I’m ready, but I’m not ready. I’ve been so focused on the pregnancy
and getting to the end of it, I haven’t spent much time thinking about once the
baby arrives, actually caring for and looking after a newborn. Last time, with Amelia, I felt prepared
and ready (as much as possible), this time I don’t feel ready at all. I can’t comprehend it, a baby in my arms
that is breathing. I’m scared,
what if I’m not ready for this at all, what if I’m no good at being a mum, what
if I lack the natural ability and patience and care that is needed?
I try to image the moment I am handed my baby and how
great that will feel, but I just can’t believe it as a reality. I try to image labour and birth when
there is a baby’s heartbeat to focus on and worry about and how different it
may be from my last labour and birth, the one where I already knew my daughter
had died. Will it be similar in
any aspect, or will it be completely contrasted?
I am starting to get more nervous about my babies
movements too. We’ve ramped up the
monitoring from this week. We
don’t seem to do NST’s here in New Zealand (not sure what these involve but
have seen a few BLM’s mention them) but we are going in for regular CTG (cardiotocography)
monitoring that watches heart beat rates, movements and uterus contractions
over a 20 minute period. This has
meant going back into the ward at the hospital where we found out Amelia had
died and were then induced. While
its been more than a little hard at times I am glad that I have done this now
rather than the first time going back being when we are induced in a few weeks
with baby number 2.
Today I lied for the first time too. A shopkeeper asked if this was our
first baby. A moment of hesitation
and then “yes”, it was just easier at that moment rather than to have to
explain when the next questions inevitably come. But I’m still looking for an outfit that proudly declares “little
brother” – something this new baby will always be!
Your cardiotocography is our NST. Listen... You will be an amazing mother. It will be what you expect and more and different and I can't wait for you to hold that boy in your arms and give him kisses. Oh I know how those last weeks drag and how worrisome they become. Sending positivity your way.
ReplyDeleteThese last weeks are so long! Keep plugging along. Love to you and both your babes.
ReplyDeleteSo close... so very close... I think this is the hardest part. But the extra monitoring really helped me get through. I hope that your little one continues to be nice and active to reassure his mother during these last few weeks.
ReplyDeleteAnxious and excited for you. It wasn't too long ago that we had a scare and you announced the baby was alive and growing! I'm so happy you are where you are right now and that the baby is thriving. :)
ReplyDeleteSo happy you are almost there. I often say Livia is my only child, as time goes on I don't like telling Kayla's story to every stranger who asks, when all they really want to know is how many I have to take care of right now. It WAS a little bit of a shock for me once she was born, that we had to take care of her! I was so focused on just getting her here safely that I didn't prepare all that much for the routine newborn care. But, it all just falls into place. You will be great! Looking forward to reading the good news in a few weeks :)
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