I'm Ok, I'm Not Ok

For the last 2 months I’ve been, obsessed with thoughts of my daughter.  A deep yearning for her, a longing for her, a need for her to be here – alive. 

I’ve been enclosed in a bubble.  I’ve been focused on moving through the stages of grief.  I’m analytical by nature and have come to terms with what has happened.  That doesn’t mean I’ve moved on or it hurts any less, I’ve just accepted that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change this situation.  I can’t linger on blaming and ‘what if’s’; it won’t change anything at all.  It will only damage my heart and mind.  So I have accepted that Amelia is physically gone and nothing will bring her back to me.  I will instead hold her forever in my heart.

People find it hard to understand that I am doing so well when I see them.  I explain to people that they ask me how I am and I say ‘OK’.  What OK means now is very different to what OK meant before.  OK before could be taken literally.  The new OK for me means ‘I’m doing well but my heart is heavy and I long for my daughter – but this is my new standard state of being’ so yeah, I’m OK.

I can hold it together mostly when I’m in public.  But I’m nervous this won’t last.  I’m still in this bubble, not back in the real world, not working, just sitting at home obsessing over my thoughts, reading ever helpful blogs, crying when I need to, not crying when I don’t. 

I say that I don’t cry often, but I do cry.  I’m so nervous that I haven’t cried enough, that I haven’t dealt with it fully and that grief and its full impact will rear its ugly head and hit me hard when I least expect it.

Am I really as OK as I think I am?