The Real World

The other day I started playing netball again – I was on the court and got knocked over and I felt like yelling at the person that knocked me “don’t be mean to me, my baby died 2 months ago”. 

All I could think for the rest of the game was, how can I be playing sport and acting like everything is normal when I am not ‘normal’ anymore, life will never be the same again.  At the end of the game I got an overwhelming urge to cry, I had to say goodbye really quickly so I could retreat to the haven of my car to burst into tears.

Is it wrong to feel such self pity?

I’m nervous about going back to the ‘real world’.  It means facing up to the fact that life exists and carries on outside my grief.  That my daughter is not the sole focus of everyone’s universe, just mine.

Slowly I start to venture back into society and see people that knew I was pregnant.  The dentist enquiring if my baby arrived on time – ‘no, she was stillborn’, the person at the bank enquiring if I was working or looking for a job – ‘no I’m on maternity leave’, her ‘oh, you don’t look pregnant, how far along are you’, me ‘oh it’s a sad story, my daughter was stillborn’. 

I wonder what people think when I can say that without crying.  Do they judge me, do they think I’m insensitive or have moved on.  I’m not, I haven’t.  It’s just I’ve had time to come to grips with this shocking reality and this constantly heavy heart.  I hope they don’t judge me.

I am nervous about returning to work.  About becoming the ‘big elephant’ in the room.  I know people won’t want to bring up my daughter for fear of how I will react and a general not knowing what to say, but all I want to do is talk about her, she is real and this really happened.

I remember my friend’s son being stillborn a few years ago and when I visited not mentioning him at all, just being awkward and not knowing what to say.  Now I know, just talk about him, he is their son, I bet all they wanted to do was talk about him.