My life must have meant
something before I had a baby. But
now it just seems to be meaningless.
I sit at home pretending
that I’m occupied but all I crave is to seek someone out who I can rant about
my feelings too, someone that doesn’t want to talk about themselves but just
wants to sit and talk about me and my baby. This is why I’m blogging – to share, to get out into the
ethos how I’m feeling to people that just might understand where I’m coming
from and somewhere I can constantly talk/write and it’s up to people if they
listen/read.
Someone that asks to look
at the photos and doesn’t hold back, someone that’s not afraid to look at my
dead baby and can see what I see, a beautiful girl that was once alive, a baby
girl that is mine, that is beautiful and perfect and would have been
amazing.
How did my life have more
substance before I even considered having children and why does it feel so
meaningless now I don’t?
Why do we work so hard to
fill our lives when it should really just be simpler – life is so much more for
living than working? I can’t
believe I was even considering going back to work so soon after having
Amelia. My how priorities have
changed.
I’d like to be more
self-sufficient, live off the land, live cheaply. I want a family and to be happy. I do want nice things, but my life will be fine without the
fancy.
Is it strange that I now
want lots of children? Initially I
only wanted 2, then when I was pregnant and enjoying it I thought 3 would be
nice. Now I could easily go up to
4. My partner is from a family of
4 kids so why couldn’t we do that too!
But then reality kicks in – what if I have a problem that makes
pregnancy too difficult or risky?
What if the stress and anxiety of being pregnant after loosing a baby is
too much for me to handle?
I can so relate to this question. When I was pregnant with Eliza, I was a little worried that my identity would be overwhelmed by the role of "mom" and I would lose something of myself in having a baby. Then I felt like I lost everything to grief, and nothing was left but a shell of the person I used to be. I have found that some of the meaning came back through my relationship with my husband, my immediate family, and my friends. It's a difficult struggle, though, and it's just one example of how the grief of missing a child is complicated by so many other factors--the collateral damage.
ReplyDeleteI hope your future is full of the babies that you hope for. I know you'll never forget Amelia.
I saw your comment on Brooke's blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're somewhat new to our grief, but know you are in some excellent company. The unfairness that it feels to be a baby loss mom can be quite unbearable, but know you are not alone and your sweet daughter will be remembered. Keep her memory alive as she is yours and worth all the love.
Hi, I also clicked over from Brooke's blog..so sorry that you had to join our group, but I will say that I have found a lot of healing in writing and connecting with other mom's who just get it. I hope you keep writing!
ReplyDeleteI am 7 months out from my loss and still feel like my identity is kind of muted--I'm me, but still hollow. I hope to keep discovering new parts of my identity even without Kayla here with me.
Did you find out what happened to Amelia? So sorry she is not here with you.
Thank you for your comments, it's so nice to connect and know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I'm still waiting to find out the 'formal' results of what happened to my Amelia. At this stage there's indication of a clotting disorder in me but that it may have come down to a cord accident. I'm hoping to get the results before Christmas.