I
am desperate and crave to be pregnant again.
This
is all I can think about at the moment, consumed by it.
I am excited by the idea. I
am nervous about the idea.
Will
having another baby take some of this pain away? Or will it never go away?
Will
people realise that I’m not replacing her? Will there be enough space, time, distance that people will
see our children as separate entities? I am not replacing her. I love her. She can never be replaced.
Can
I bear the pain and disappointment every month if we haven’t been successful? It was hard enough the first time when
it took us 12 months.
What
if I miscarry? Can I suffer this
pain of loss again and the inevitable time this will set us back in holding a
kicking, screaming baby in our arms?
Will
the excitement of being pregnant again be overcome by fear and anxiety? I have
no safe mark, I carried 3 days shy of full term. Will this be the longest 40 weeks of my life? Originally we thought it was a clotting
disorder, now ‘they’ are saying it was a cord accident. What’s to say that this won’t happen again. It was a matter of days between having
a scan at 38w with everything being fine and her dying.
Is
my body ready, has it recovered enough to be a good home for a new baby for
another 9 months? It’s only been 3
months since Amelia was born - ‘they’ recommend waiting at least 6 months to
get pregnant again. Not only for
your body to recover after carrying a full term pregnancy, but to grieve fully
for my Amelia.
I’ve
grieved, I still grieve and I don’t think I will stop, ever. To some degree I don’t think I will
fully grieve until I have a new baby and know exactly what I have missed out on
with Amelia – all those firsts that Amelia will never have. I already know that I am not replacing
Amelia but I do know I am trying to fill some of the hurting and my empty
arms.
I've been there in those contemplating shoes.
ReplyDeleteI'm pregnant and due for an induction at the very end of next month. I waited 3 months to start trying, took 3 months to get pregnant only to miscarry. Then I started again immediately and became pregnant 3 weeks post miscarriage. Here I am still wondering if I'll bring a baby home and it's supposed to happen in a matter of 2 months. We'll see. We will see.
I think a small piece will heal with the chance to mother another child, but our hearts will never accept it. They will always long for our babies who died too soon.
I am convinced that still... no matter if I'd tried again immediately or waited 10 years, I'd never be ready for my heart to be broken again or for it to be healed. It's impossible, this life we live. You'll always crave your daughter, not matter how long you wait.
I'll tell you our story in case it is useful for you...We totally ignored the doctors' advice and never started using birth control again after Elizabeth was born. We were pregnant four months later (one month after she died) and thrilled about it, even in our shell-shocked state. Then I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I believe now that my body wasn't ready yet, so soon after the c-section and in the middle of intense grief. But I can't say I'm sorry for that short pregnancy, as hard as it was to suffer another loss. There was some hope in it, too. We listened to the doctors after that and waited three more months before trying again. I intentionally did every "forbidden" (to pregnant women) thing I could think of during those three months - multiple cocktails before dinner, weekly manicures, stinky cheese platters, paragliding...it was kind of a "screw-you" to the world, and it was kind of fun. Now I'm 18 weeks pregnant and it feels right (albeit terrifying). So basically, do what you need to do. There are no guarantees at any point with anything, as we know all to well. Nobody can tell us when the timing is right.
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