Who am I today?

Who am I now?  Am I the same, or have I changed? 

I don’t think I can fully answer this yet.  I think I am still too involved in my grief and not fully back into the real world. 

But this is who I am, or rather, who I am not at this moment after the birth and death of my daughter.

I am no longer the dependable friend. 

I would never let my friends down and I would never miss a social function even if it meant driving out of town and back again in the same night.  The guilt would plague me otherwise.  I can’t do this now.  I’m sorry, I cannot come to your baby shower even if you NEED me there to be part of your memories – why can’t you understand.  I cannot be there because it would not be beneficial to ME or my heart at the moment.  For once I am thinking about ME.

I am no longer the confident, sociable, happy, outgoing, engaging person.

I use to be able to make conversation with people easily.  My friends always commented on how they wish they could breeze into a room with confidence and chat to strangers like I could.  Now I cannot be bothered.  They don’t know what I’m going through underneath the false exterior I present.  They cannot see that all I think about when I talk to them is my dead child.  I now avoid social situations where I know there will be large numbers of people.  I don’t want to pretend anymore.

I am no longer ambitious.

Building a career, achieving and doing well in my job were high priorities to me.  Now I’m not sure I really care.  Working long hours for a corporation won’t prove to the world that I’m worthwhile, it won’t protect me from bad shit happening to me because I’m good at what I do and a corporation won’t care or support me when bad shit does happen to me.

I AM more in love.

After 13 years, my love is now insurmountable.  How immensely I love this man who chooses to love me right back.  The guy who accepts my crazy and understands me.  Who lets me say the inappropriate thoughts of jealousy, sadness and anger that are rolling around in my head.  The guy whose daughter died too.

I am now also a home body, a computer addict, insular, sad, incomplete, jealous, routined, an over thinker, consumed constantly with thoughts of my daughter, a runner, a blogger.

I am interested to see who I will become, where my life will go from here, after this life changing event.  One thing is for sure, I will not be the same again, please don’t expect me to be.