Will I ever be normal
again? Will I ever feel like I can
smile and not feel guilty, like life can continue without my daughter being
present either physically or in my thoughts?
Today I went into work for
the first time since I lost Amelia. Last time I was there I was happy in the thought that I was
going to meet my little girl in a matter of days. Last time I was there was the
day I think she died.
I had prepared myself for
visiting work and leading up to it was fine with the theory of it all. The actual task of walking through the doors and talking to
people was much harder. Facing
people I don’t like and who caused me immense stress in my last few weeks of
work (of which I can’t help question if that contributed to this horrid
outcome), talking to people I do like about everything else except the fact that my child
has died.
My first visit back to
work was meant to be me showing off my cute little baby girl, not talking about
returning to work and life going back to “normal”.
I survived though. I managed. Only one little break down, which I managed with the help of
a colleague who has since lost her father unexpectedly. She may just be my saving grace when I
return.
I don’t want to go
back.
Or if I have to can I
please be pregnant again!
(please).
Oh that first day back...it is so hard. It was supposed to be so different. I visited work before returning because I knew I would be a total basket case. I have had a total melt down there and intermittant crying with some of my patients but in all the anticipation was much more difficult than I had anticipated. Each new thing is so hard. Everywhere you were to go and be with Amelia. It is just tragic. Light and love to you. One more day you have survived.
ReplyDeleteEventually work will become mundane and routine again. Hopefully. I find work to be terribly awful but completely necessary for my sanity. I think we've all experienced the breakdowns and especially getting back into relationships you left before your baby was born.
ReplyDeleteWithout work, I don't know what I'd do with myself. I have to have this distraction... but being pregnant helps hate work less and despise it because you should really be home with your baby and not there anyway. :/ It's rough. I'm sorry you also are experiencing this.