I thought things got
better with time. I feel like an
addict who’s relapsed, yet my addiction seems to be grief.
This week I feel
nauseous. This is something new in
my “grief journey”, feeling physically ill. This week I am crying again, a lot.
I just really want my
daughter ALIVE.
In addition to the going
back to work imminently (Going back to ‘Normal’), a girl I know was due on
Monday this week. I don’t know if
she’s had her baby – I’ve closed down updates from her Facebook page so I don’t
torture myself. But all I can
think about is her going into labour and being handed her beautiful baby, the
skin to skin contact, the happiness, the accomplishment, the alive-ness of her
baby and the dead-ness of mine.
This makes me feel ill and incredibly jealous.
A good friend also came
over for dinner. She is 26 weeks
pregnant and all I can imagine is her baby warmly nestled in her tummy sleeping,
her body cradling him, nurturing him, loving him. All I can think about is how Amelia was once in my tummy and
how I would so love for her to still be there and feel her close to me again.
I thought I was doing so
well with my pregnant friends and holding babies so soon after loosing my daughter. Now the idea of this is extremely hard again.
I've also been really busy with guests visiting from overseas and trekking around the country so haven't had time to myself to process my thoughts, read blogs and be in my bubble. Maybe this new grief is just the next stage of incorporating and dealing with my hurting in the real world. It will get better right?
What ever it is, I don’t like this
relapse, it hurts.
I was ok with pregnancies and babies early on, and then one day, I wasn't comfortable anymore. AT ALL. It's normal, so don't feel badly. I am 18 months from my loss and am just starting to be a little comfortable around them again. (I don't think everyone has the extreme reaction I did though.) And unfortunately, the grief relapses are normal, too. It's a tough road, but we are here for you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Molly I was totally comfortable with pregnant women and babies until all the sudden I wasn't any more. Even being pregnant again I avoid eye contact with "them"...they don't get it, they don't understand. That ache we have for our first little girls is so intense and so strong it brings the grief relapse even after we feel like things start to get better BAM back to our knees with no warning. The grief relapse is so emotionally draining that it actually turns into a physical drain. I learned that even though they suck, they are important because they allow you good days after making though them. Unfortunately it won't be they last, but you will learn what works best for you...letting it out in bed and my car have been the best for me :) I'm so sorry you are in the middle of one right now, I wish none of us knew what this is like. Thinking of you and your sweet Amelia.
ReplyDeleteI third those remarks. I even went to a baby shower two months post. How and why, I have no idea. I was still in a cloud of confusion. Four, five, THIRTEEN months later, I am no longer okay. No longer okay looking at babies or being around them, but it does make things a hair easier being 8 months pregnant. However, I cannot even fathom holding a baby at all. I vowed that the next baby I hold will once again be my own. It just has to be.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who gave birth early and had a NICU baby. She is now home before her due date. It's hard not being jealous because... I am. We all are to an extent because we should've had those moments of love and newness a long time ago-- long before them. The world appears to pass us by and in many ways, it does.
Wishing you love. This is such a hard road. I also have to comment that I cried more last month at 12 months out than I have since the very numbing beginning. Grief is a wild ride full of terrible turns. :/
Oh Di. I think that it DOES get better with time, or maybe it doesn't get better as such but you get better at handling at, at carrying the grief around with you. One of my friends described it as carrying a heavy rock around with you, you don't get to put it down but your muscles get stronger with time and so, even though the weight doesn't change, it feels easier to carry.
ReplyDeleteAnd, in my experience, it doesn't get better in a 'straight line', it kind of has ups and downs. It's hard when you feel you have made progress and you suddenly find yourself 'relapsing' and feeling so sad again. I know I found dealing with other people's babies and pregnancies very hard for quite some time after the twins were born. I'm generally ok these days but, even now, I still sometimes have a little stab of pain, when I see that happiness and innocence that I can never get back.
I hope you start to feel physically better and that the nauseous eases. Wishes you lighter day ahead xo
Di~Ugh...I am at 6.5 months since Camille died. somewhere in the last 2 months things got really really really hard for me. FOR DAYS ON END I was CRYING, SoBBING...just not okay. There are days when I feel better than others. I am thankful for the good days because the bad days are so overwhelming and blindside me so completely that it leaves me staggering. I also notice that I am WAY worse around my period. The hormones plus the grief is sometimes just too much to handle.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having a particularly rough time right now. I know for me the roller coaster is a monthly occurance kinda like 1 really bad week with 3 okay weeks. Sigh.
I understand the jealousy. There is only one baby that I can hold and he is my friends baby who was born before Camille by about 3 months. I am jealous of all mamas and babies, I am jealous of all pregnant moms. I am scared that everyone's baby is going to die. I am kind of a bitter bitch right now...so you are in if not good company, company non the less. Sending you love.
Thank you all so much for your comments - it makes it easier knowing I'm not alone and there will be a way through the fog that surrounds me from time to time. Much love, Di
ReplyDelete