I was pregnant.
Now I am not – what am I when I still am carrying something that is no
longer alive? Anti-pregnant, a
coffin?
We found out yesterday that our new hope had not
developed and was not viable at 6-7 weeks gestation.
Yesterday I was in shock driven practical frame of
mind.
Today I am a mess. I am angry. I
am pissed off. I am sad. I am confused. I am just so fucking sick of dealing
with this. Pissed off that the
world continues on around me when I hurt this much.
After Amelia died, all I wanted was to get pregnant
again. After this loss I am now
scared to try again. I know I will
but I am just afraid to have to feel this again. Knowing also that because it is a missed miscarriage that I
have to wait for the spontaneous miscarriage to happen – how long will it take
to happen and get back to a regular cycle again? Do I push for a D&C? There goes any chance to have a baby this year…
Can someone tell me how I get through this? How I can move beyond this hurting and
keep focusing on the future and functioning on a day-to-day basis? At
the moment I am struggling to see beyond this grief (again). I am sick of this hurting, this pain,
this shitiness that has become my life!
Apologies for a
post filled with raw anger – just venting.
No need for apologies... What you are dealing with sucks, and you have every right to vent. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Wish I had some great advice to share... My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum/miscarriage, and it was devastating... A different feeling than my 35-week stillbirth, but devastating nonetheless. However, it was before and I imagine a m/c after the loss of your daughter is much harder to bear. I ended up with a D&C after a week or so bc my body was not cooperating. Not that I would recommend a D&C, but it did help my body get into gear quickly, and I was pregnant with my daughter (living) the next month. Same goes for a BLM friend who had a m/c post stillbirth... D&C then pg w her rainbow (living) before she ever cycled. It can happen, and it will happen for you. But im so sorry you are dealing with more heartache in the meantime. (and sorry for the novel I just wrote you!)
ReplyDeleteBtw, I had to take my blog private suddenly, but if you would like an invite, send me your email address... Molly.ebach@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. It is not fair. You've been through enough already. :( I don't have any good advice but just wanted to let you know how unfair I think your situation is!
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry! You WILL get through this. Right after Bear died, my husband and I used to remind ourselves that horrible things happen and people survive. It doesn't make it better, but it gave me enough strength to get through the moment. You have been through hell and you are surviving. My husband, friends and acupuncturist also all remind me that I will have a living child, we just don't know the timing. It is hard for me to share their unrelenting faith, but it is often reassuring enough to keep trudging along.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself.
I understand. I was in those exact same shoes at 6 months post loss. I was pregnant again and miscarrying. I elected to have a D&C despite not really needing one-- I just wanted to get back to square one and not stuck in the negatives. Also, I am the BLM Molly mentioned above. I had a D&C, tested for ovulation using those cheapo sticks from eBay and exactly 21 days later, I ovulated and became pregnant with B. The body can be extra fertile after a D&C and pregnancy. I never even had a cycle between miscarriage and pregnancy with B.
ReplyDeleteI know you feel defeated. It is awful and I won't pretend to sugarcoat things. Pregnancy after loss is hard enough and will be hard no matter how long you wait to try again for #3. Yeah, that number shocked me, too, because I thought three pregnancies would naturally yield 3 live babies. I explained all these emotions in my September post... Explaining my miscarriage as well.
I'm sorry. I know the road and I hate that you are still being put through the wringer even though all kinds of undeserving people have babies everyday and don't think twice. :/ It's so unfair.
I'm so sorry :( It is fundamentally cruel and unfair for you to go through this on top of losing Amelia. I was in a similar place last June - a missed miscarriage (no heartbeat at the 10-week appointment) just months after our daughter Elizabeth died. We had no living children. It was devastating.
ReplyDeleteIn case it helps, here's what came next: I waited it out and had the miscarriage at home naturally rather than a D&C. Somehow it was important to me to do it that way, and our doctor agreed. I felt like it gave me time to say goodbye in the way I needed to. When I felt the miscarriage starting, I took the pain meds left over from my c-section, so the pain wasn't too bad. Then we decided, for the sake of my sanity and to give my body a break, to wait three months before trying again. It was hard since I desperately wanted to be pregnant again, but it was also a relief not to be looking for positive tests every month. Even though the grief was still so heavy, I had a campaign for those three months to "do things pregnant woman don't do" (have fancy cocktail parties with my girlfriends, get regular mani/pedis, try paragliding, ride roller coasters, get back in some semblance of running shape, eat sushi and stinky cheeses) which helped my mental state quite a bit - even though it might sound a little silly. It felt like making something of a terribly horribly crappy consolation prize and showing the world I wasn't totally destroyed.
My period actually returned exactly 4 weeks after my body miscarried. Once we started trying, it took three months to get pregnant again. I'm 26 weeks pregnant now.
Please believe that this is *not* the end of your story. It is a terribly tough chapter, though. Hang in there.
Oh no. Oh I'm so very sorry Di. Such a horribly unfair thing to happen, I'm so sorry for the loss of your new little hope. It's so crushing. I know my situation is a little different as I lost one of twins from my first pregnancy. But I know that feeling of desperately wanting (needing even) to be pregnant again. We started trying again when my surviving twin turned one and I was overjoyed to find I was expecting again on the first cycle. But I had an early miscarriage (blighted ovum like Molly) and my joy was replaced by just feeing absolutely defeated. I opted for a D&C but it is such a personal choice, you have to do what feels right from you and your body.
ReplyDeleteI can only echo what SG has already said, this is not the end of your story. It is a difficult part and an unfair part.
So, so sorry for the loss of your little one and there's no need at all to apologise. You are entitled to be angry, anybody would be.
Oh my, my heart just breaks for you. I really believe there should be some kind of "free pass" for all BLM's after what we have been through, there should never be anything else and then there is and it just sucks. I am so sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. This is too much for anyone to take, and when I read the comments above to see that others have also had to go through this, it makes me so angry at the injustice.
ReplyDelete