I want what I will never have. To give birth and believe that nothing
can go wrong. That bad stuff
happens to other people, not me.
I hear of the safe arrival of babies
constantly at the moment. The
gushing facebook posts, and I find myself annoyed/frustrated that another
person knows this joy. Obviously I
would hate for it to be any other way for them, but I am selfish for me. For what I want.
I remember the excitement and anticipation
as I passed the full term mark, knowing I was so close to meeting my
daughter. What happened at 39
weeks was so beyond what I was ever prepared for and now that naive joy I know
will never be mine.
I do know, or hope, however that I will have
such a deeper joy when I get to hold Amelia’s sister or brother. That will be a great day.
It's gone forever for me as well, Di.
ReplyDeleteEven sitting in that delivery room, I didn't believe B would be coming home with me. It's the unfortunate reality of us BLMs. I'm sorry you're one of us. I'm sorry we all had to experience this and that our children are not with us. It affects so much more than just a giving us broken hearts. It changes pregnancy and birth for us as well. It strips us of that pleasure and joy and tranforms it into fear. :/
Hi Di. I am new to your blog and so sorry that you had to say goodbye to Amelia. I said goodbye to my daughter, Grace, who died at 41 weeks (no explanation) in November. I wanted you to know that I empathise completely. My friend gave birth this Wednesday. And as much as I am happy for her, I am so overwhelmingly sad for me. Because I (and you, and so many others) will never ever know what it is like to welcome our first borns to this world alive. And, regardless of whether it was a firstborn, secondborn etc. any subsequent pregnancy (and, hopefully, birth) however joyous, will always be marred by anxiety. We have all lost so much more than just our precious babies.
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Ugh... Yeah me too! I've had a wonderful birth and then I had one after my daughter died. Even though I've had the good, I am still jaded. My naivety has been stolen and what I find is sone jealousy over the ability fir people to go merrily on their way through a pregnancy. I wish for that. I'm hoping that everything turns out well for amelia's little brother or sister.
ReplyDeleteI miss my innocence, too. I hope that you're able to find a place of ease during moments of this pregnancy. It's unfortunate that we know what we know, and there's no way of unknowing it.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know - there is just no going back to the naivety, is there? Aoife made an interesting comment on my blog once - she said that for those of us who lost our firstborn, the innocent joy of pregnancy is something we share with just our first baby. For me there is a tiny bit of bittersweet happiness in thinking that Elizabeth and I had something special, something I miss but that is hers alone among my children. Of course that doesn't make this subsequent pregnancy any less grueling...
ReplyDeleteWe know all to well the what can happen scenario. I do miss the innocence of my other pregnancies. I wish this time around it was different for all of us. Thinking of you and your growing little bean and missing your Amelia with you.
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